About my need of people

-
Why am I so desperate to meet my friends and spend as much time as possible with them? I have a very specific and weird way of torturing myself and company is the only thing that's making me stop. For a few hours. 
I am a creature that has a tendency to analyze herself and her past, her choices and her words to the point of wounding herself. And still not stopping. Hurting never made me stop digging in my flesh for answers. Even if my bones hurt, I am still trying to figure things out. Maybe that's why I got over a relationship so fast, maybe I lived a year worth of emotions in two months. So intense and nerve-wracking... 

I know that when I'm alone, I am unable to stop digging.

Comentarii

Trimiteți un comentariu

Postări populare de pe acest blog

How it all started

-
Imagine
It is so hard to put your whole life under a microscope and even harder to be the one looking through the lens I am an atypical person. Unlike many, I can lay my life on the table and analyse it. I am not saying that it's easy peasy, but it is possible for me to do that. It took a lot of time alone with nothing to do but think about "what I did wrong" to be able to do that now. I can see right through me and find what triggers my bad habbits, my blockages, my negative emotions, my involuntary reactions... I can see it all clearly. I grew up in a small town, surrounded by 3 other children from the neighbourhood. Because of the big age gap (4-5 years younger/older), for the most part I interacted with only one of them, so I grew up to be much of a loner. The kids from school lived too far to be alowed to meet them so during winter and cold days I was to see kids at school and during summer - this one kid in my front yard. Even with that one I wasn't alowed to spend
Citiți mai multe

Let me tell you about my biggest insecurity.

-
The reason I don't think I want to have a relationship is because I am affraid of loving and not being loved back. Somehow, all the experiences with men made me think there's something wrong with me and that I'm unlovable. None of them loved me and with one I've been in a relationship for 4 years in which I didn't even feel appreciated.    And it's not that I feel broken, or that I don't love myself, but it's clear that what I am is not something men get to love.    I don't want to hope that someday, someone will love me, because hoping hurts. So I am okay with the idea that nobody's ever going to love me. This way I don't have to deal with moments in which I would feel sad that it might never come true.     Past experiences taught me that I'm unlovable and so this is why I'm affraid of getting my hopes up and be disappointed again by the fact that I'm starting a relationship and end it in the same way:
Citiți mai multe

So I was thinking about life today.

-
Life is about walking towards something and not necessarily ever getting there. Life is about learning to let go of bad, but also good things. Life is rather about chasing yourself, than someone else, about finding who you are and becoming who you want to be. Life is about change and knowing that today you can be a little bit better than you were yesterday. Life is also about accepting that you are allowed to have bad days and you shouldn't put so much pressure on yourself. Life happens one day at a time and that's how you should live it.
Citiți mai multe