Minutes to Midnight

Every thought I have is imbued with a little paranoia of the fact that it might not be real, that it might be something my mind created to protect me from being hurt. What if what I see as reality, the things that I remember are nothing but a result of my imagination, my subconscious self trying to protect me? And if it is like this, what would I need protection from? I have to dig deeper into this matter and find out the truth. Who am I and what is my story? I loved someone when I was in the first year in architecture school and that someone disappointed me. It was complicated and short and I never admitted untill now that I felt that way. Even though, we were never in a relationship and that gave him the "right" to just disappear one day and leave no trace. I couldn't reach him anymore. I remember being sad for exactly 3 days, after which everything was over in my head. That was possible because I always found my comfort in work and it was the thing that brought me st

Life is about walking towards something and not necessarily ever getting there. Life is about learning to let go of bad, but also good things. Life is rather about chasing yourself, than someone else, about finding who you are and becoming who you want to be. Life is about change and knowing that today you can be a little bit better than you were yesterday. Life is also about accepting that you are allowed to have bad days and you shouldn't put so much pressure on yourself. Life happens one day at a time and that's how you should live it.

The reason I don't think I want to have a relationship is because I am affraid of loving and not being loved back. Somehow, all the experiences with men made me think there's something wrong with me and that I'm unlovable. None of them loved me and with one I've been in a relationship for 4 years in which I didn't even feel appreciated.    And it's not that I feel broken, or that I don't love myself, but it's clear that what I am is not something men get to love.    I don't want to hope that someday, someone will love me, because hoping hurts. So I am okay with the idea that nobody's ever going to love me. This way I don't have to deal with moments in which I would feel sad that it might never come true.     Past experiences taught me that I'm unlovable and so this is why I'm affraid of getting my hopes up and be disappointed again by the fact that I'm starting a relationship and end it in the same way:

Why am I so desperate to meet my friends and spend as much time as possible with them? I have a very specific and weird way of torturing myself and company is the only thing that's making me stop. For a few hours.  I am a creature that has a tendency to analyze herself and her past, her choices and her words to the point of wounding herself. And still not stopping. Hurting never made me stop digging in my flesh for answers. Even if my bones hurt, I am still trying to figure things out. Maybe that's why I got over a relationship so fast, maybe I lived a year worth of emotions in two months. So intense and nerve-wracking...  I know that when I'm alone, I am unable to stop digging.