Minutes to Midnight

Life is about walking towards something and not necessarily ever getting there. Life is about learning to let go of bad, but also good things. Life is rather about chasing yourself, than someone else, about finding who you are and becoming who you want to be. Life is about change and knowing that today you can be a little bit better than you were yesterday. Life is also about accepting that you are allowed to have bad days and you shouldn't put so much pressure on yourself. Life happens one day at a time and that's how you should live it.

The reason I don't think I want to have a relationship is because I am affraid of loving and not being loved back. Somehow, all the experiences with men made me think there's something wrong with me and that I'm unlovable. None of them loved me and with one I've been in a relationship for 4 years in which I didn't even feel appreciated.    And it's not that I feel broken, or that I don't love myself, but it's clear that what I am is not something men get to love.    I don't want to hope that someday, someone will love me, because hoping hurts. So I am okay with the idea that nobody's ever going to love me. This way I don't have to deal with moments in which I would feel sad that it might never come true.     Past experiences taught me that I'm unlovable and so this is why I'm affraid of getting my hopes up and be disappointed again by the fact that I'm starting a relationship and end it in the same way:

Why am I so desperate to meet my friends and spend as much time as possible with them? I have a very specific and weird way of torturing myself and company is the only thing that's making me stop. For a few hours.  I am a creature that has a tendency to analyze herself and her past, her choices and her words to the point of wounding herself. And still not stopping. Hurting never made me stop digging in my flesh for answers. Even if my bones hurt, I am still trying to figure things out. Maybe that's why I got over a relationship so fast, maybe I lived a year worth of emotions in two months. So intense and nerve-wracking...  I know that when I'm alone, I am unable to stop digging.

It is so hard to put your whole life under a microscope and even harder to be the one looking through the lens I am an atypical person. Unlike many, I can lay my life on the table and analyse it. I am not saying that it's easy peasy, but it is possible for me to do that. It took a lot of time alone with nothing to do but think about "what I did wrong" to be able to do that now. I can see right through me and find what triggers my bad habbits, my blockages, my negative emotions, my involuntary reactions... I can see it all clearly. I grew up in a small town, surrounded by 3 other children from the neighbourhood. Because of the big age gap (4-5 years younger/older), for the most part I interacted with only one of them, so I grew up to be much of a loner. The kids from school lived too far to be alowed to meet them so during winter and cold days I was to see kids at school and during summer - this one kid in my front yard. Even with that one I wasn't alowed to spend

August 04, 2015 Îmi e dor de mine Vreau să mă mai cunosc puțin. Simt că mai am încă ceva de descoperit și vreau să o fac din nou prin scris. Vreau să nu mă mai blochez la fiecare cuvânt, fiecare moment. Vreau să-mi pot lăsa sufletul să iasă. July 28, 2015 When do i stop talking? There are moments when being uncomfortable makes us talk more: about the weather, about the cat left alone in the appartment... about things that usualy would not get so much of our attention. It happened to me recently in a conversation with a man when I tried to say something but my words came out wrong. I was so terrified that he might get the wrong idea that I started explaining what I meant but again, nothing went right. And so I was digging deeper into the problem, mumbling things that made no sense, when all i had to do is stop talking in the first place. I guess being affraid of being missuderstood makes us talk more and insist on issues but all we have to do is take a deep breath and before

I started this blog as I noticed today that my life keeps happening in a pretty clear loop. I remembered that back in the highschool I also started a blog and to my surprise I actualy had a few readers even though it was far from something you would read out of passion. My writing wasn’t good (not that now it is…), the themes weren’t so different and my thoughts were pretty far from happiness. I was doing it because writing was helping me cope with the things I was going through. I think this is the first time I am admiting to have had problems with depresion. It was pretty bad but I could hide it pretty well in the whole “adolescent years, puberty, nothing out of the ordinary” period of my life. Don’t get me wrong, my family was there for me, but back then my parents were growing up with me and the stress they had from life and work and resposibilities were enough for them already and they could not see my behaviour as what it was. I remember feeling lost, hurt and unimp