Hello, darkness, my old friend

I started this blog as I noticed today that my life keeps happening in a pretty clear loop. I remembered that back in the highschool I also started a blog and to my surprise I actualy had a few readers even though it was far from something you would read out of passion. My writing wasn’t good (not that now it is…), the themes weren’t so different and my thoughts were pretty far from happiness. I was doing it because writing was helping me cope with the things I was going through. I think this is the first time I am admiting to have had problems with depresion. It was pretty bad but I could hide it pretty well in the whole “adolescent years, puberty, nothing out of the ordinary” period of my life. Don’t get me wrong, my family was there for me, but back then my parents were growing up with me and the stress they had from life and work and resposibilities were enough for them already and they could not see my behaviour as what it was. I remember feeling lost, hurt and unimportant. I was feeling misunderstood. Even so, my thoughts never included drastical measures to stop the pain like phisical hurt or suicide and that’s maybe because I started to accept it for what it was but never name it. I was depressed.

I was living in a nation who believed the therapy was for serious mental diseases only and for some time I believed that too. When you are not mature enough to have your own opinion on such serious matters, it’s almost impossible to try and reach out for help. That’s why many of us grow with a big issue created by either or both the society and family. I, for example, have problems in interacting with people. Sometimes I believe in an illogical way that they are superior to me. Other times I just feel like talking to people is such a big effort and that I have nothing interesting to say. I am admiting that I just don’t know how to interact with people.

Now I am having another identity chrysis. It seems that in the past few years I've been feeling from time to time like an impostor, like I am pretending to be someone I am not. What if the one I am living with is keeping me from being myself, from growing? What if this person I am seeing in the mirror is someone he wants me to be and not who I am deep inside? I feel like I am staring at a stranger.